Realistic Consequences

As a married couple without children, C and I have spent the better part of 3.5 years watching how other people parent. One thing we've learned from observation and personal experience (from when we were kids) is that when parents are warning their children of the consequences of an action, those consequences must be realistic and actionable.

For example, let's say you live in Salt Lake, and you go on a family trip to Disneyland. By the time you get to Las Vegas, the kids are so tired of driving that they are constantly bickering in the back seat and getting on everybody's nerves. In this situation, a parent might be tempted to threaten, "If you kids don't knock it off back there I'm going to turn this car around and we won't go to Disneyland!" I think they hope this will scare the kids into obedience, despite the fact that the park tickets are paid for and the hotel is already reserved. (And really, are you willing to spend the next 6 hours driving back to Salt Lake with the crying children who don't get to go to Disneyland?) Then don't threaten to turn the car around unless you are really going to do it.

My mother-in-law (MIL) had an experience as a child where her mom threatened to burn my MIL's crayons if my she didn't stop a particular behavior (I forget the details). The next time the behavior happened, mom remembered the threat and threw the crayons into the fire. She was willing to do what she threatened, and my MIL never forgot it.

As a parent, my MIL did the same thing with her children. C learned from an early age that her mom would follow through with threatened punishments. Once C was going to a friend's house. Her mom said, "Call me when you get there or you will have to come home." Upon arrival, C forgot to call home. Her mom called over and had her sent home. The next day the same thing happened: C was to call when she arrived, but forgot. Her mom called, and C was sent home. The third day when C got to the friend's house, she went to call her mom, but her friend's mom was on the phone so C couldn't use it, but said she'd come get C when she was done. C went to play and forgot about it. When my MIL called, the other mom said, "Oh, it was my fault. She came over to use the phone but I was on it, and I didn't go get her when I was done." My MIL asked how long she had been off the phone. The answer was more than five minutes. "Has C come back in those five minutes to use the phone?" No. "Send her home." It may sound harsh, but C learned that her mom was serious. If C didn't call, she had to come home.

When we are parents, I wonder how we will implement this in our own family. I've read all the books (hee hee), so I'm an expert on the subject (yeah right!); but I suppose that we'll try to be careful to only threaten realistic punishments that we're willing to live with the consequences of. Maybe we'll seem like big meanies, but at least our kids will know we are serious when we warn them of consequences.